On Being Normal

A Normal Fall Saturday with the T Clarks

Webster defines the word “normal” using the words, "regular pattern" or "usual, typical, or routine.” How often do we NOT want to be called normal, as if there is somewhat of a negative connotation to it as in "Her? Oh, she's just a normal girl!" Deep down, I think we all want to live better than regular or typical lives, but when your life has been turned upside down, and your regular pattern or routine is interrupted, feeling normal is incredible!

Through David’s cancer diagnosis, chemo treatments, and subsequent hospitalizations, we’ve felt anything BUT normal! There is nothing normal about being told you're in a fight you didn't initiate! While we are insanely happy that his cancer is in remission, we didn’t expect to be dealing with the complicated surgery and recovery he’s now experiencing which will ultimately cause him to have more surgery early next year. Some have asked if his complications are from the cancer, and to be completely honest, the answer is no. His immune system, however, was so weakened from the chemo treatments, he was unable to fight the infection which invaded his system. Because of the chemotherapy, his appetite was practically non-existent, and he lost an incredible amount of weight (over 70 pounds since February) in a very short period of time. Getting him to drink half of a Boost (similar to Ensure) was cause for celebration! It was BAD, folks, I mean really bad!

In the past couple of weeks, however, he has turned a major corner! His appetite is returning, his strength is improving, and his desire to get out is pretty much like the old DC. In other words, things are starting to feel normal again! For example, over the past few months, our outings were primarily to doctors or health facilities, and after his first hospitalization in mid-July, he completely stopped driving. I don't mind "Driving Mr. Dave," but I know he misses being behind the wheel and feeling dependent on me. Since Friday, he's been like a different person! Friday morning, he asked if I would take him to Cabela's to shop for fly-fishing stuff - he hasn't fly-fished in YEARS. We then went to lunch and did a little Aldi shopping. Was he tired? Oh yes, but such a good tired! Yesterday, we went to our oldest grandson's football game at 9 in the morning and then caught our other grandson's game at 2:30. Was that tiring? You bet it was, but oh so worth it! You'd think after all that activity in two days, he'd want to chill at home today, but you'd be wrong!  

Today, we went to see "Lifemark," the new Kendrick Brothers movie AND had an early dinner at Longhorn. Talk about turning a corner! He took that corner on two wheels! Of course, at the moment, he's softly snoring in his recliner, but hey, he earned that nap! If being normal means a nap to rejuvenate after a busy day, I'll accept "normal" any time!

A Room with a View

One day last week, David commented that his room had such a great view. At the time, I thought, "Wow, I'm glad he has such a great attitude!" Over the next few days, however, he became less focused on what he could see out the window and more exasperated with what he was dealing with inside the walls of his room.

While I knew how desperately he wanted to leave, I was extremely anxious about my energy and ability to care for him at home. At the same time, I realized how selfish it was of me when he was the one laying in the hospital bed! Although I knew how badly he wanted to be at home, I had this growing anxiety about being his sole caregiver again. That knawing feeling of selfishness persisted with questions like - How would I ever get any rest? How would I ever have any time to myself? How would I ever have time with my friends? What about my job? On further reflection, it became abundantly clear that this journey isn't about ME! It's about giving him back the life he deserves no matter how long it takes and what is asked of me.

As I sat down to write this today, I remembered the scripture our son, Jon, who was the original inspiration for this blog, has long claimed as his life verse: 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9 

What a wimp I am! If God brought us to this place in our lives, He will certainly bring us through it! Haven't I referenced that many times in my life? Didn't we lean into that when Jeff had open-heart surgery as an infant? We leaned in a bit further throughout Jon's recovery from his aneurysm and even following my own, and we leaned to the point of almost falling with David's cancer diagnosis and treatments! Why, then, should I be fearful NOW when in the scheme of things, this is just a setback? I mean, David is in remission from cancer! Cancer!! God never said we won't grow tired and weary; He never said we wouldn't be tested; in fact, the Bible tells us that we WILL go through hard times! In James 1:2, we read, "whenever we face trials," not IF.

I wrote in my previous post that growing up we were taught to not ask, "Why me?" but instead to ask, "Why NOT me?" Life has thrown us plenty of curves, and we've "learned to swerve." (Thanks again, Rascal Flatts.) In writing this post today, I'm beginning to see that my focus of late has been too much on the bumps in the road and too little on the view up ahead. Looking out the window now, I'm asking God to give me the strength to keep my eyes on Him and to stop worrying about my own abilities but instead to trust in His abilities. When I surrender to His power, I am confident He will not only provide the energy (and patience) I need but also help me turn my focus outward so I, too, can enjoy the view. 

“The best view comes after the hardest climb.” – Author Unknown

Making the Grade

At church on Sunday, a friend said something like, "Your faith has certainly been tested over the years,", and I replied, "Well, obviously, I haven't passed the test yet!" Since then, I've spent a good bit of time reflecting on why God keeps bringing new hurdles into our lives and asking myself why. I learned from my dad at an early age, however, that when faced with challenges, we shouldn't ask, "Why me?" Instead, we should understand, "Why NOT me?" "What makes me so special that I shouldn't have to face trials in my life?"

My dad was a wise man. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he had a wisdom born of difficult times (his mother made shirts for him out of flour sacks during the depression), addictive behaviors (he was an alcoholic so high-functioning that it was YEARS before I knew about his addiction), and above all, he LOVED me! Not that loving me made him wise; it's just that knowing he loved me made me appreciate all the sacrifices he'd made for me and my brothers over the years made me understand a father's love. You see, he was born into a generation that had so little, and yet, he wanted SO MUCH MORE for his family! He sacrificed on a daily basis so we could have the life he never had! Would he have ever said he was deprived? Absolutely, not! His life was made better because of the love and sacrifices his own parents poured into him! When I think about any time in my own life when I may have been slightly inclined to feel deprived, I remember the sacrifices my earthly father and most importantly, my heavenly father have made for me! Deprived? Oh no, far from it! I have been BLESSED! 

Has my life been perfect? It certainly has not. I've learned, though, that the choices we make either make us stronger or they weaken us to the point of absolute chaos. I CHOOSE strength! Our heavenly Father and my earthly dad gave so much of their own lives to make mine better - how could I ever feel deprived? I know that because of their sacrifices, my life is so much more than it could have ever been without their presence. As the song goes, "You're a good, good father." I am so grateful to have been loved by both.

Tomorrow we face another test. David is having surgery to repair his colon and bladder. This is not a result of the chemo but more so, a result of his weakened immune system due to the chemo. We are putting our trust in the one who heals, our Jehovah Rapha, praying for His divine intervention in David's healing and selfishly hoping that with this trial, we'll finally make the grade in the eyes of the Lord. We are trusting in His promises today, tomorrow, and each day of our lives.

Sending a special shout-out to Julie Curl for her inspiration for this post. XOXO

Caregiver Insights - Part 1 (Likely)

If I'm being candid, I'll admit that being a caregiver is hard, Let me restate that, it's HARD!! To those who have traveled this road before me, you get it; you totally get it. In some ways, I've gone down this road before, but with a spouse?  Never.

Caring for a child is a situation I am pretty familiar with - from Jeff's heart defect at birth to Jon's ruptured aneurysm at the age of 20 (and all the broken bones, sprains, and "normal" childhood injuries that Taylor and Blair incurred.) Being the caregiver of a spouse is something I've had a little experience with - yes, he's had surgeries, but nothing like dealing with cancer and subsequent issues. Was I prepared? H*** No! Can I handle it? H*** yes! Is it fun? Ha! You figure out the answer!

To address the issues at hand: David has a pre-op appointment this Thursday, the 18th, with the surgeon. His corrective surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, August 24. For now, we're taking one step at a time, and I'm asking God for His divine intervention in my patience and coping skills. Selfishly, I'm asking you to not only continue to pray diligently for David's complete recovery but also, for my patience and understanding that sometimes, "A person just has to vent!"

Are We Taking a Left Turn or Just Driving in Circles?

So the PET scan yesterday revealed a bit of a surprise - okay, a LOT of a surprise, but definitely shed some light on some other issues David has been experiencing.

After we had been home from the scan for just a few hours, he got a call from his urologist (yes, urologist, not his oncologist) that he needed to go to the ER to be admitted for treatment and probable surgery for an abscess in his colon (sorry if you're not a detail person, but it is what it is.) Although the doctor notified the ER we were coming, we still had a 3.5-hour wait for him to be seen! Of course, I made several inquiries at the desk, called two doctor's offices, and even texted with our nurse practitioner, but as my mama used to say, "It was a hurry up and wait situation!" Hurry to get there and wait to be seen! After reviewing his history and most recent scan, he was finally in a room around 11 last night, and that was after starting our day with a 7:30 arrival for his PET scan! Yep, it was a pretty long day...

Today, we've seen the PA from his urologist's office but not yet a surgeon for the actual abscess. We know that he will need a stent in his left kidney along with the repair of the abscess.  We are anxiously waiting to see the oncologist as well as the colon surgeon. We need a plan! I will say that although this was a totally unforeseen bump in the road, we are happy to finally be getting some answers. For the UTI to not have been fully resolved after his last hospitalization with all the antibiotics they pumped in him has been concerning, to say the least. When I asked why this wasn't detected on his last visit, I was told that because he only had one type bacteria in his system, there was no cause to perform a scan at that time. Umm, okay. (I did ask that the PET scan be performed during his previous hospitalization, but hey, what do I know?) I was told he needed to "feel better" before doing the scan, so yeah, look where that got us! If I sound a little frustrated, irritated, peeved, or perhaps some more unladylike terms, I am! I have my share of experience advocating for family members, and I like to think I do it in a manner appropriate to my southern upbringing, but sometimes I've learned you have to remind physicians that while they may have many patients, YOU have only one of the individual for whom you're advocating, and NO ONE wants what's best for your loved one more than you!

There will be more to share at some point, but for now, you can most likely find me circling I-285 trying to figure out where to exit this crazy road! Please, "Jesus, take the wheel!"

Taking a Left Turn

I'm not a very good blogger; I think I'm a decent writer, but blogger? No. I say this because I'm just NOT CONSISTENT! Among the traits of really good bloggers is consistency, and considering the last time I wrote anything in this blog (prior to today) was during the pandemic in 2020, I'd say my track record isn't exactly breaking records. 

At the time I began blogging in 2005 (or sharing, writing, tracking, whatever you want to call it,) Facebook wasn't an option. In fact, it didn't become an option outside the world of college students until 2006. Therefore, if you wanted to keep a group of people up-to-date on what was happening in a particular situation or life event, writing a blog was an excellent way to share without making multiple phone calls or writing dozens of emails. Thanks to a sweet friend, my very first blog entitled "Prayers for Jon" began in 2005. Within a couple of years, that blog evolved into this one because it soon became evident that when one person in a family is affected by a traumatic illness or issue, the journey becomes much farther reaching. It impacts not only the immediate family but also those who have embraced the family members whether recently or over a long period of time. Through each of our life journeys, we have been blessed to be surrounded by prayer warriors--many of whom have been total strangers--as well as physical sustenance. You know in the South when people don't know what to do, they feed you! :)

When we change directions or the course of a conversation, we often say we're, "Taking a left turn." So now, we're simply taking a left turn. We've traveled difficult roads before as a family, and we're on yet another one, a familiar and yet not-so-familiar one. Once again, we don't know the destination, but once again, we're trusting in God's presence during our travels. This time, I'm older, wiser (I hope,) and even stronger in my faith knowing that only through trusting in God to be our travel agent will we arrive safely. 

Walking in Uncomfortable Shoes

Pandemic, Coronivirus, COVID-19, shelter-in-place, social distancing…the “I’m tired of hearing this” list goes on. Somewhere between the middle of March and today, however, these have become all-too-familiar terms, and will likely be part of our vocabulary for quite some time to come, I fear.  Actually, fear is probably not the correct term, but whatever you call it, I’m pretty sure they’re each here to stay for a while.

As part of the 65 and over age group, I feel more isolated than ever from my loved ones. My arms ache to hold each of them - children, grandchildren, friends, family, even a few of my co-workers! Haha! There is a longing within me that won’t be eased until the day when I can wrap my arms around each of them. You can bet I'm praying that day comes soon!

Over the past few weeks, I’ve read so many exchanges on social media between various groups in our community about what we should or shouldn’t be doing, and I am terribly disturbed. While I whole-heartedly agree that we cannot continue to stay on lockdown, I believe that each of us has a moral responsibility to do what we can to protect others, and if that means maintaining six-foot distancing, wearing face masks and gloves in public, and limiting travel, then that’s what we – David and I – will continue to do. Those who refuse to observe those basic guidelines are putting the rest of us at risk, and the selfish message that their disregard is sending is mind-boggling! I don’t even pretend to know all that is happening, but my parents raised me to respect others and to always put myself in another’s shoes, even if those shoes are uncomfortable. What a blessing to have been taught that perspective!

Because of my upbringing, I cannot in good conscience ignore those who have been impacted by this pandemic either financially, emotionally, physically, or sadly, through the loss of a loved one. Yes, we've all been impacted in some way, and pretending that we haven't is just absurd, and quite frankly, a bit disgusting. Looking the other way just isn’t in my DNA, and I will do whatever I can for as long as I can to protect my loved ones as well as yours. Won't you try on another's shoes - at least for a while?

PS - My guess is that if you read this, you're already doing your part. I just needed to vent after reading some really troubling social exchanges!